Thank you.

It is customary, during this time of year, to be thinking of what you have to be grateful for. I confess I've never been good at this. To me, Thanksgiving has never been anything more than a day to get out of school and to eat great food with the people I love. But this year I was challenged to find something I am grateful for each day in the month of November up until Thanksgiving, and post it on Facebook. This was not as easy as it sounds. Some days I was scraping to find anything that I was thankful for. But I am so glad I chose to accept that challenge. It has honestly made a huge difference in my life. I realize now that I have so much in my life to be thankful for.

As I thought about what I wanted to post on the final day of the challenge I started to become quite emotional. There is just so much beauty in my life that I couldn't wrap it all up in 420 characters of a Facebook status. I ended up posting that I was thankful for my immediate family:

"Day 25- I've saved the best for last. I am so grateful for my immediate family. They are the most important thing in my life. I am so grateful for their love and support despite my imperfections. I love my little brothers more than life. They mean the world to me and I would do anything for them. And I am so lucky to have the most amazing set of parents anyone could ask for. I love you guys so much!"
  

To me, this simple paragraph cannot even come close to stating how incredibly grateful I am for them. Since I came out, my brothers and I are ten times closer than we were before. They love and support me, just as I love and support them. And my parents, I know, would give me anything in the world. There is nothing my father wouldn't do for his family. And there is nothing my mother would sacrifice.

But that isn't all. I would be selfish not to look around and be grateful for others in my life. My extended family, my friends, my peers and my mentors. I would have never thought that I would feel this much love in my life. The fact that I can be myself, make my own decisions and be who I want to be and still be surrounded by loved ones is definitely something to be grateful for.

I'm reminded daily of how blessed am I as I look at others who struggle with these same trials, but do not have the support group I have. The world is full of people who are enduring hardships and pain, but have also been abandoned by those who are supposed to love them through it all. So to anyone out there who needs the support that they should getting from their family and friends, you have me. I have plenty of love to share. And you can have as much as you need.

So this Thanksgiving I'm grateful for you. I'm thankful for everyone in my life who has supported and continues to support me in my decisions. Thank you for all of the love a guy could ask for. I am truly a blessed individual.

Now, go eat some pie, dammit! <3 

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Closing Night

I've rehearsed, opened, and closed dozens of plays in my life. After a while, they seem to blend together. At least, most of them do. In fact there have been a few times when I have to think for a minute in order to recall a character's name, or a playwright. But every once in a while, a play comes a long that is simply a blessing to be a part of. Our Town has been that for me.

Ironically, this play is the one show this season that I was not looking forward to. I had read the play before and was bored to tears. I simply just didn't get it. The only thing I was excited about was that it was going to be done in the round (or 3/4 rather) and I was excited to experience that. But, contrary to my expectations, Our Town has become one of the greatest theatrical experiences of my life.

I think there are several reasons for this. For one, the play is just simply brilliant. It isn't an exciting read, that's for sure. But it plays just beautifully on stage. The characters are written so well. And the situations are heartbreaking, to say the least. The show is poignant and easily touches the hearts of the audience members.

It also helps to be directed by someone that I  can easily connect with artistically. Todd and I have very similar approaches to acting and directing. I understood his vision from the beginning, which made the end result easier to reach. Along with a great director, the cast is just as incredible. we have a great variety of actors on that stage. There are actors in the show that have never been on stage before along side actors who have degrees in theatre. It was amazing to see the experienced actors reach out and lift up those that needed help, and to see the newbies bring in fresh life to the program.

I have a relatively small role in this play. Though my character is on stage often, he does not do much emotionally or dramatically. I think this was a blessing though. Because I didn't have much to work on character wise, I could focus my attention on creating believable relationships on stage. I also had the opportunity to sit back and observe the journey that the other actors went on.

I was (and am) simply amazed to see the leaps and bounds the actors took in the show. Especially Bethany Gilmore and Isaac Jones, who play Emily and George. The experience of seeing a young actor truly feeling  and emotion on stage is chilling. These are two very talented actors. Each of them, in their own way, create such believable emotion! It is heartbreaking to watch and an utter joy to act with them.

Through this journey, I watched as this piece touched lives. It reaches the audience each night. I like to think that they exit the theatre with opened eyes. But even more importantly, it touched the lives of the actors. I think each member of the cast will walk away from this show a better artist than when he or she went into it.

I cannot express how proud I am of this production. It is a testament to me that theatre does not have to have bright lights, gorgeous sets, and beautiful costumes in order to reach out and grab the hearts of it's viewers. All it takes is a group of people who love the art and love each other.

Being in theatre is, simply put, making magic.



Bethany Gilmour, Scott Westwood and Isaac Jones in Our Town



It's the DO that counts.

I'm don't see myself as a wise or particularly strong person. I'm often lazy, judgmental, and arrogant. When I look in the mirror it is my faults that stare back at me. It isn't having faults that bothers me, it's the fact that these seem to be the same faults I've dealt with all my life. No matter how hard I fight or work to improve myself, I always seem to fall back to my old habits.

So I suppose, if I were to name one fault in my character that I would alter it would be my inability to change. Which is a paradox of sorts. The fault I want to change is my inability to change. I wouldn't say that I have a fear of change. I actually consider myself a pretty adaptable person. I can pretty much find happiness in any situation. It's the change within that is difficult to grasp. Growing up I was told that anyone can change, they simply have to try hard enough and want it bad enough. I do, honestly believe that. So what is my problem?

Perhaps it is my approach to change. A wise woman once told me a story about a football player, a kicker, who wanted to improve his playing. Specifically, his coach wanted him to learn to kick the ball properly. The conclusion was made that the reason the kicker wasn't kicking straight was because he was kicking the ball off the side of this foot, instead of straight on. No matter how hard the kicker worked to improve, he still kicked the ball off the side of his foot. Finally the coached asked him "What is going through your head when you go to kick the ball?" The player replied that he was telling himself "Don't kick the ball off the side of your foot! Don't kick the ball of the side of your foot!" "That," the coach replied "is your problem. Instead, try looking at it from a different angle. Don't concentrate on NOT kicking the ball to the side. Focus your attention on kicking the ball straight. Focus on the DO not the DO NOT." The light bulb lit. The player, now thinking "I will kick the ball of the front of my foot!" (focusing on the positive instead of the negative) could kick the ball straight every time.

But is it enough tell yourself you are going to DO something different? Isn't letting go of something that is holding you back a necessary part of change? Anatole France, the french poet and Pulitzer Prize winning author said that "All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

So, if what France says is true, we must find what is holding us back, leave it behind and move forward, while, of course, constantly remembering to "focus on the DOs and not the DO NOTs." As always, I suppose it comes down to balance.

Finally, I believe it is not enough to simply want to change. The need to change is the only motivation strong enough to move one forward. There come moments in every one's life when they simply can not continue living the way they live. View these moments as blessings. They are opportunities to change and grow and be better. After all, perhaps these moments of forced change aren't coincidence, but fate. Perhaps you are not the only one who wants you to change.

To Live for the One I Love

You'd think that after being in twenty seven plays (has it really been that many?) I wouldn't be nervous to perform anymore. To be honest, sometimes being on stage doesn't even phase me. But today, as I think about the night to come, I get those all-too-familiar butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

I know my lines. I know my blocking. And I know my character as well as is possible without performing an autopsy on the guy. I would gladly get up in front of a crowd of complete strangers, hiding behind this mask I've built. But knowing that the audience is chuck full of people I love and care about, people who can more easily see through my tricks, just makes me sick.

I guess I've always had this fear of disappointing people, especially the people that have made a large impact on my life, both as a person and an artist. This doesn't just go for theatre either. I stayed in the church for years past the point that I wanted to leave, not because I believed in it, but because I feared the look on my mothers face the day I left.

Although difficult to handle, feeling the pressure of those about you is healthy. Knowing that my friend and mentor is coming to see me perform in a play certainly keeps me working harder to get everything just right. And knowing that the three children I love most in the world are looking up to me helps to keep me responsible and upstanding. I guess, like most things in life, it all comes down to balance. After all, it wasn't until Elizabeth I found that balance between her own conscience and the well being of her people, that she created perhaps the greatest empire England has every known.

I strive to surround myself with those who will give me the support and "pressure" to become the person I want to be. In the end, we all must choose for ourselves the path we will go down. But who can choose wrong while surrounded by those who know you and love you best?

Haiku 11.8.10

Again I wonder
Does he live those nights each night
As I live them now?

A full year.

So apparently, I'm not very good at blogging. I used to be. Like two years ago. But I guess it's never too late to start over, yeah?

As I looked back on the my blogs from two years ago, it really hits me just how much I have changed. Especially over the last year. 2010 was... well... exciting. This Thanksgiving it will be one year since I made the decision to come out and live the "lifestyle" of a gay man. As much as I hate that term, it fits I suppose. I am now happier than I ever have been in my life. My relationship with God is more fulfilling. I am living for Him and not for my Bishop. I am making decisions based on whether or not I am happy, rather than whether or not I will be able to pass the sacrament on the coming Sunday.

The past year has been full. Full to the brim of the happiest moments in my life, and the darkest moments in my life. I have stood staring up at the stars, feeling like I could reach out and touch them all. I have sat staring at a bottle of pills, feeling like I could reach out and swallow them all. I wouldn't change the decisions I made for anything. I am such a stronger, happier person today than I was a year ago, six months ago, six days ago. I keep moving up. Which is a good thing. A very good thing.

So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for 2010. For the trials and heartbreaks as well as the fun and laughter. So much can change in a year. So who knows where I will be next Thanksgiving? But for what it's worth, I am happy. And to me, that is all that matters.