You'd think that after being in twenty seven plays (has it really been that many?) I wouldn't be nervous to perform anymore. To be honest, sometimes being on stage doesn't even phase me. But today, as I think about the night to come, I get those all-too-familiar butterflies in the pit of my stomach.
I know my lines. I know my blocking. And I know my character as well as is possible without performing an autopsy on the guy. I would gladly get up in front of a crowd of complete strangers, hiding behind this mask I've built. But knowing that the audience is chuck full of people I love and care about, people who can more easily see through my tricks, just makes me sick.
I guess I've always had this fear of disappointing people, especially the people that have made a large impact on my life, both as a person and an artist. This doesn't just go for theatre either. I stayed in the church for years past the point that I wanted to leave, not because I believed in it, but because I feared the look on my mothers face the day I left.
Although difficult to handle, feeling the pressure of those about you is healthy. Knowing that my friend and mentor is coming to see me perform in a play certainly keeps me working harder to get everything just right. And knowing that the three children I love most in the world are looking up to me helps to keep me responsible and upstanding. I guess, like most things in life, it all comes down to balance. After all, it wasn't until Elizabeth I found that balance between her own conscience and the well being of her people, that she created perhaps the greatest empire England has every known.
I strive to surround myself with those who will give me the support and "pressure" to become the person I want to be. In the end, we all must choose for ourselves the path we will go down. But who can choose wrong while surrounded by those who know you and love you best?
I know my lines. I know my blocking. And I know my character as well as is possible without performing an autopsy on the guy. I would gladly get up in front of a crowd of complete strangers, hiding behind this mask I've built. But knowing that the audience is chuck full of people I love and care about, people who can more easily see through my tricks, just makes me sick.
I guess I've always had this fear of disappointing people, especially the people that have made a large impact on my life, both as a person and an artist. This doesn't just go for theatre either. I stayed in the church for years past the point that I wanted to leave, not because I believed in it, but because I feared the look on my mothers face the day I left.
Although difficult to handle, feeling the pressure of those about you is healthy. Knowing that my friend and mentor is coming to see me perform in a play certainly keeps me working harder to get everything just right. And knowing that the three children I love most in the world are looking up to me helps to keep me responsible and upstanding. I guess, like most things in life, it all comes down to balance. After all, it wasn't until Elizabeth I found that balance between her own conscience and the well being of her people, that she created perhaps the greatest empire England has every known.
I strive to surround myself with those who will give me the support and "pressure" to become the person I want to be. In the end, we all must choose for ourselves the path we will go down. But who can choose wrong while surrounded by those who know you and love you best?
Break a leg, my friend. :D
ReplyDeleteI really wish we could like blog posts...because I really like this one! Break a leg tonight and every night you perform! I shall be there and look forward to seeing a phenomenal performance!
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