A Change of Plans. ..or sunthin...

I should learn to knock on wood when I say that things seem to be going my way. Or maybe I should just learn to keep my mouth shut in the first place. I find it interesting how quickly things can turn around or change. One decision, one word or one mistake can take away something you have been working hard for. So much of this business I am in, performing, leaves me powerless when it comes to decision making. If, for some reason, I am suddenly not what a company is looking for, they can change their mind on a dime and go with someone else. Good actors are a dime a dozen. I'm not that important. I guess I should get used to that fact. But humble pie tastes like crap. Just saying.

A situation arose recently with the company of The Odd Couple. A situation that, I felt, was out of my, or anyone else's, control. I admit, I made a mistake, an error of judgement. I created a miscommunication that wasted a lot of peoples time. But mistakes were made on the other side of the line as well. The situation was not handled professionally, or even kindly. People said and did things that I wouldn't expect from adults. Much less friends and mentors. Decisions were made without giving me the opportunity to defend myself or my actions. But, in the end, it was decided, by people higher than me, that it was in the best interest of the company and the play to have me replaced. I want to strongly stress that I acknowledge that the decision was in the responsibility of the producer and director. They made a decision that was not easy for them. I know they only did what they thought was right and best for the cast, company and play. Although I hold no grudge, anger or resentment toward those who made the decision, I will not pretend that I agree with the decision that was made. Nor am I ashamed of it. I will not hang my head or hide. I will simply say that what is done, is done. And it is time to move on.

But move one to what, exactly? The show, most certainly, must go on. I admire the cast of the Odd Couple for their immediate action. They embraced the replacement and didn't ask questions, which is how things should be handled in these delicate situations. I have every confidence that the play will be a success, with or without me. My replacement is an extremely talented young man. And I am looking forward to seeing what he does with the role (yes. I am planning on attending the play). But what about me? I'm not sure how to approach my future with the company. Spring break definitely came at a good time. It will give me a chance to ease my anxiety and pain, and to plan for the future.

Part of me wants to be the "bigger man" and to show the company that I'm dedicated to them, whether or not they believe it. I most certainly will not be involved in The Odd Couple. This is more out of protection of me and my feelings than out of a grudge toward the producer or director. I think it would be to painful to watch something that was so important to me move on without me. But what about after the play? The company still has one more very small production this year and a few activities to celebrate the end of the year. I think that my approach to these events will either make or break my "image" at this company. My time at this school is coming to a close. So, in a way, my image isn't incredibly important. If I wanted to, I could completely avoid the company members and events for the rest of the semester without any real, immediate consequences. But I think my character prevents that. I have put a lot of hard work into this company over the last three years, and they have given me just as much back. I don't want to be remembered as the guy who got replaced in one show and disappeared. And I don't want to remember the company as the theatre that kicked me in the ass while I wasn't looking.

But, I suppose, the issue of how to approach the up coming events should be left for another day. For now I'm going to concentrate on getting my head on straight. I've overcome a lot of bitterness and pain over the last couple of days. But I still have a long way to go. Eventually, maybe I'll understand why this happened and what I have to learn.

On a happier note, the future looks bright. I still have the U in the fall. I still have fantastic friends and a strong support group. And now, with my schedule suddenly opened wide, I have the chance to turn my focus onto other things that have gone neglected.

I'm going to be ok.