Living on a Latte and a Prayer

I'm not really sure what this blog is. It is three in the morning, and I started thinking. Bad combination.

I've spent the last month and a half focusing the greater part of my energy on a musical that I've grown to love and a company that I believe in more than almost anything. I don't have a job. I don't go to school. And I have next to no social life (except Wednesdays of course). It's a strange feeling, being able to focus almost everything I have on theatre. At school my "other" classes took my energy for part of the time. And while theatre was always at the top of my list of important things, there were always a few things that seemed to get in the way. I hope that the last month and a half is kind of a preview to what the next few years of my life will be. As far as school goes, I no longer have to take any classes outside of the performing arts building if I don't want to. And living in (or near) salt lake will give me the greater opportunities as far as auditioning goes. Living and breathing acting is going to be amazing.

On the other hand, I'm freaking scared out of my damn mind. Come August 22nd, I will no longer be at the top of my game. At CEU I pretty much knew where I stood. I knew what I had to do to get what I wanted. At the U, I'll be lost. I look forward to the challenge of having heavy competition. I am excited to have to fight my hardest for everything. But, as invigorating as that is, it's frightening. I remember feeling that way when I made the move to CEU. It didn't take long for me to find my place, but for a short time I was afraid I wasn't going to make it. And here I am again, afraid that the moment I walk in the door everyone will be able to see through me.

As hard as it may be to believe, I'm quite an insecure person. (NO WAY! Michael? Insecure? Who would have thought?!) I'm rarely impressed with myself and my work. In fact the best compliment I usually give myself is "Man, Michael. Look at you! You really have these people fooled into thinking you can act! What morons!" I constantly live in fear that one day people are going to see that I'm really faking my way through everything. But until that day comes, I suppose I just have to keep faking.

...I have no good title for this...

I guess it's about time I start blogging regularly again. I've been putting it off because I really don't have much to say. My life in Tooele isn't what you would call exciting. In between dead end job interviews and frustrating rehearsals I'm usually found curled up reading in my favorite room in the house. It's the room the rest of my family spends the least amount of time in. This is the reason I like it so much, it's usually empty.

I do spend quite a bit of time reading. I basically flew through the first few Harry Potter books (pausing for only a day to blaze through Patti LuPone's memoir that I couldn't put down). But this last one (The Goblet of Fire) took me a bit longer. I'm taking this as a sign that I need to give JK Rowling a chance to catch her breath. So I got a few memoirs and a novel from my good friend Valerie. I'm stoked. I love memoirs, so I shouldn't have a problem getting through those. The novel is one I've been dying to read for a while: The Princess Bride. I've heard amazing things about it, so I'll start that first thing tomorrow morning.

My quest for employment has failed time and time again. I feel like I've done a thousand job interviews since graduation, and they have all lead me to nothing. I don't know what to do. Keep looking I guess. Looking and praying.

Speaking of prayers, I have good news. After months of worrying and stressing and wondering, I received a nice little envelope from the University of Utah Financial Aide and Scholarships office. Ever since I received my acceptance to the program, there has been a nagging tug in the pit of my stomach that seems to mutter "one of the most expensive schools in the state." But, friends, my prayers have been answered! A scholarship. A GENEROUS scholarship, for even more that I hoped for. My entire tuition for my freshman year is covered. All I have is student fees and books to pay for. What a relief!

So, all in all, my summer has been... okay. I have ups and downs. I don't have good days and bad days. I have good hours and bad hours! I guess thats why they call it manic. In high school, springtime was always the hardest when it came to my depression. But for the last three years, it has been summer that I've had to struggle through. The last two summers were understandable. I had legitimate reasons for the way I felt. But this year I really have no justification for the way I feel sometimes. I guess that is all part of having a mental illness. There doesn't have to be a reason for every mood swing.

But I'm getting there. I'm happy. Thanks mostly to my amazing family and friends (two friends in particular who I get to see at least once a week. Let's just call them my cougars). I just hope August gets here quickly. I'm ready for something new and fresh and alive!

-mikey-

Ten Days.

It has been Ten days since I moved back in with my parents. And it feels like it has been ten weeks. Don't get me wrong. I love being home. I love my family and my friends here. I'm loving the play and the fact that it keeps me busy at night. But I just miss my life in Price. I don't miss the school, or the drama, or the politics of it all. But I miss the people. The laughter. The tears. The hugs and kisses. I miss them.

It rained today. And it was liberating driving around the city in the storm, just thinking about life. How much I miss and long for him. How much I worry about her. How much I love them. It was depressing, in a good way. I finally realized that it's okay to miss it. For so long I told myself that I hated it there and I was going to be glad when it was over. But once I let myself grieve the past, it felt good.

So now that I've faced the fact that it's okay to be sad, I guess I can start looking toward the future. The past ten days have been... weird. For lack of a better word. I haven't had nearly the energy or enthusiasm that I thought I would have. I have all these goals, but no energy to begin them. I guess I just have to do it, whether I want to or not. Some of the goals I have are incredibly personal, so I don't think I'll share them on here. But good energy would be appreciated. I can use all the help I can get. :]

The play is coming along really well. I love singing the music. Despite all the shit I say about Rogers and Hammerstein, they definitely knew how to write a love ballad (even if they all pretty much sound the same...). The music is simply lovely. And I only have ten lines. Ten lines and two gorgeous duets.... that doesn't add up to me!

Still no job. And no prospects. After three interviews in a little over a week I'm back to square one. :S Again. Good energy would be appreciated.

-mikey-

CHALLENGED FINISHED!!!

Finished at last! Now I can get back to blogging about what I want to blog about. I guess when I get stuck I can go to other blog challenges to get ideas. But for now, I make the rules! :]

Day 31- A picture of yourself and three good things that happened today.

I dunno why. But I like this pic a lot. 

1) I finished Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone for the millionth time. I've read the series so many times I've lost count. It's kind of my summer ritual. And I'm off to a good start this year. Chamber of Secrets tomorrow. :]

2) I made great strides in putting my room back together today. I'm moved back in with my parents for the summer and for next years Fall and Spring semesters. I have so much shit! This is the first time I've really moved back in completely. For the past three years I have only lived with my parents for the summer. So I never really took the time to completely unpack. It's nice to be in a place that I know is going to be my home for more than just a few months. 

3) Today is Mother's day. Which always gives one a chance to reflect on Mother's and how important they are. I definitely have a fantastic Mama. She's incredibly supportive and loving. A parent when I need advice. A best friend when I need to laugh. She's amazing. 

There you have it! Three good things. And a stunning picture of me. Enjoy. 

-mikey-

Tanka 05/06/10

Wish I had the balls
To say what I really think.
Maybe I'll grow some.
Until then, I'll simply smile.
Swallow my worry and smile.

Day 30

This one is going to be short and sweet. Because I can.

Day 30- Something you could never get tired of doing.

This

This

Oh and this.

I think you get the picture. I could never get enough of spending time with this guy. :]

Ok. Cheesiness over.

-mikey-

They are just PEOPLE, people!

Day 29- Your biggest pet peeve.

Ok, asking me to name one pet peeve as my biggest is like asking The Count what his favorite number is.



One annoying habit, ah ah ah. Two annoying habits, ah ah ah.


It's impossible.

I hate it when students raise their hand, get called on, and still feel the need to begin their question with "I have a question." WE KNOW!

I hate it when people think that "I'm a theatre major" is an excuse to act like an imbecile in publice. It isn't.

Speaking of theatre, I hate it when people ask "Are you excited to perform the play tonight?" No. I'm not excited. I hate acting.

Speaking of plays, I hate it when people tell me that they KNOW I am going to get a part in a play. Worse than that, I hate it when people say "Of course he/she/you got that part!" It's not a compliment. It just makes you sound bitter.

I hate it when people blame their teachers/classes for their bad grades. I am a lazy student. But at least I can admit it.

I hate it when people whisper, tell secrets or say "I need to tell you something... later" in public. IT'S RUDE!!!!

Conspiracy theories.

It's. Its. To. Two. Too. They're. Their. There. Learn the difference.

I hate it when people leave the shopping carts in the parking stalls instead of walking ten feet to return them.

Speaking of shopping carts, I hate it when fat people get to use those cool little motorized shopping carts.

Also, being fat does not equal being handicapped.

Also, just because you are fat does not mean that everything I say is a fat joke, or a comment about your weight. Your weight isn't the only thing that I think about you.

It annoys me when gay people think everyone else in the world is gay.

It annoys me when straight people accuse gay people of "shoving it in their face" because they hold hands in public or wear bright clothing, or have "equality"  bumper stickers.

Speaking of gay people, we aren't how the media protrays us.

"Gay" does not mean stupid.
"Retarded" does not mean annoying/difficult/not working properly.
If you wouldn't say the N word, you shouldn't say "Faggot."

Really really long acronims. USUCEUWTF.

Double standards. (I'm kind of guilty of this)

"Just kidding"   ...no. No you are not. (I'm definitely guilty of this.)

And my latest one, I hate how everyone is so obsessed with this freaking Royal Wedding. Who gives a rats ass? Not me.

...and the list goes on. add to my list! this could be fun!

-mikey-